MY BIRTH STORY

I went so deep into labourland that my memory of the birth is pretty hazy and disjointed. It took a while to write this out.

Very thankful for my birth notes and being able to talk through things to work this story out.

This does mention recurrent miscarriage, so if you need to protect your mind and heart from this topic currently, give this a pass

Samuel Damon Morley

Surprise boy!

EDD 2nd July 2024

Born 15th July 2024 (41w+6d)

Weight: 8lbs 9oz

Planned homebirth on land

Actual homebirth on land

Pain relief - gas and air

Birth team - husband (Christy), independent midwife (Christina - Bump to Birth & Beyond Ltd) & 2nd birth attendant/doula (Hannah - @doula.han)

• Our double rainbow baby after 3 losses

• First ‘independently-born’ baby on the Isle of Wight in 3(ish?)years

• Our independent midwife’s and doula’s first baby

• The next baby born on our family smallholding after my husband, nearly 27 years ago!

Prior History:

We started trying for a baby in 2021, and ended up losing three pregnancies in the span of 9 months. The most traumatic part of all of it was how we were treated by the NHS. We just didn’t get the support or information we needed and there were many times that we weren't listened to or believed. In 2023, we went private and discovered I had low progesterone and PCOS. When I unexpectedly fell pregnant a fourth time, we were helped to get onto medication asap to give us the best chances - and it worked!

Following our experiences with the losses, I was a nervous wreck, experiencing flashbacks and dissociation from post-traumatic stress at the mere thought of having any contact with the NHS. I also didn't feel very confident after finding out the statistics for our local hospital (a 59% c-section rate for first-time mothers is beyond criminal…).

To make me feel safe (and sane) in this pregnancy, I knew I would need to be proactive. No-one could make this a positive experience if I didn't put the work in first.

I wanted:

• to be as informed as possible

• to not regret the decisions I would make

• to feel supported and listened to

• to be present and savour the time I had with my baby - however long I got with them.

For me, this meant not engaging with the NHS unless medically necessary, coming off social media (found it was way too overwhelming with so many opinions floating around) and throwing myself into a truly present pregnancy.

We were so relieved to find our midwife, Christina, who had *just* left her NHS job after 12 years, and would be our island’s only current independent midwife. Without her, I really don't think we would have had such a positive experience - she has been our biggest supporter and given us so much phenomenal support and evidence-based information. I cannot stress enough how AMAZING she was. If you're having a baby and think you'd benefit from more support/continuity of care, please do give her a call/email. It was THE best decision we ever made and worth far beyond what we paid.

The pregnancy itself a little up and down! Baby was always doing great, but my body struggled at times with pregnancy-related issues - mostly PGP and pre-existing sciatica which became unbearable and honestly, I felt extremely low for most of the 2nd trimester. Fortunately things became easier after seeing a chiropractor regularly and really committing to doing my physio exercises.

The last few weeks before Sammy’s arrival were really peaceful, which felt incredibly important considering how vulnerable and emotional I felt!

The ‘not-knowing’ and anticipation was tough, especially as I had been having ‘birthy sensations’ from 37 weeks, but I was left alone and in peace. I knew there was nothing wrong with my baby, and I didn't have a hospital constantly breathing down my neck telling me I was risking my baby's life by going 'overdue'.

We had one positioning scan at the local hospital to double-check he was actually head down, but that was all we felt we needed.

Sunday 14th July (41+5)

We had decided to go have a stomp around the local county show to try and get labour started. I’d been having very light bloody discharge plus cervical weeping for a few days beforehand, as well as a deep ache in my hips that wasn’t going away, so it did feel like I was on the edge of labour! The field for parking was so bumpy that I joked to my husband that if driving over it didn’t get labour started, I didn’t know what would!

We had a great morning and came home to do the lunchtime animal feed on our smallholding, and then I cooked up the most delicious rare steak (I’d been craving it for days!) and had a nap straight after

The first inklings of surges came at 2pm that gradually increased as the afternoon continued, alongside the deep ache in my hips and thighs.

We did the evening animal feed on our smallholding at 5pm, which included milking a cow while my husband rubbed my lower back through some surges and the ache got even more intense in my hips! It felt slightly surreal to be milking Nettie like nothing else was going on, but the distraction did help.

We had dinner, tried to watch Kiki’s Delivery Service as an oxytocin boost but gave up as sitting and laying down was beyond uncomfortable, and just tried to go to bed.

This is where things got a bit...weird. I wasn't sleeping, but had a Pop That Mumma hypnobirthing mp3 on. These were SO comforting in pregnancy, but for some reason, it became really overwhelming to try and concentrate on her voice. Laying down also felt unbearably intense. This was a really weird moment. I started feeling almost hysterically scared because I didn't know where my husband was. He was right next to me! But I couldn't see him in the dark of the room, or hear him, and I started calling out to him, kicking my legs about and trying to grasp hold of him. Something was definitely happening. At this point, we decided we couldn't ignore it any longer and around 9pm made our way to the spare room we had set up as a birthing space. I turned all the lights on (I wanted it as bright as possible), put my headphones on and starting playing my oxytocin playlist as loudly as possible while I swayed and leaned against the back of the sofa. We spent the next few hours like this, with my husband rubbing my back and supporting me.

15th July (41+6 - baby day!)

Around 2am, my husband called our midwife to update her, and she suggested I get in a warm bath or turn on the TENS. My husband ran a warm bath, and as soon as I got in, I regretted not having a birth pool The pressure off my hips felt amazing!

Eventually I decided it was time to get out and it was at this point I properly went into labourland. I remember wandering out of the bathroom completely naked and unbothered, back into the birth room, turning off as many lights as possible (I suddenly wanted it as dark as possible) and settling back in front of the sofa on all fours (how I spent most of the labour). I don't remember speaking much after this point apart from one-word absolutely necessary sentences, and I felt separated from my body.

6am - leaning on my husband’s shoulders swaying when we thought my waters had broken (just wee!). Decided it was time to call our midwife so she and her second could start making their way to us.

6:45 - midwife (Christina) arrived, husband went to rest & I requested gas & air.

Had a small internal wobble as the sensations were starting to feel like they had done with my second miscarriage, but the panic subsided quickly and turned to being ‘at peace’. Regardless of the outcome, we were going to meet our baby and there was no other way for me to do that but to labour and birth them.

7:50am - 2nd birth attendant/doula Hannah arrived

8am - Switched to the loo (‘dilation station’!), and kept asking Christina and Hannah if I was going to die In another part of my consciousness, I knew I wasn’t and this was just how birth can feel, but I just felt the need to double-check!

8:15am - 11am: resumed kneeling in front of the sofa, leaning into the cushion and swaying. Refused all food and drink. Couldn’t bear the feeling of being touched - even by the wind from the fan. Surprised myself with the first involuntary vocalisation - I sounded exactly like our cow! The continuous monitoring was interesting - we’d agreed beforehand that it wouldn’t be as continuous as the ‘standard’ (and outright declined VEs!) because I thought it would bring me out of focus if it was too often, but it was actually really comforting to know that his heartbeat was moving further downwards as labour progressed. I didn’t want to know the time, but this feeling of actual progress did help me. I did decline the monitoring a lot - the sensation would make my skin crawl, especially if a surge was starting. Sorry to Christina for flinging off her finger monitor so much

11am: started asking for water, and began to feel more clear-headed and sharp. Had a moment where I was looking around the room at the birth affirmations I had painted, and I remember checking in to see if I still believed in all of them or if it was wishy-washy BS (I then felt pretty disgruntled that I did indeed still believe in all of them and they were really comforting …). Felt the need to change positions so I was standing up (*so* intense, but it felt necessary and right) and began bearing down with most of the surges. Surprised myself again that with each surge I was going into a deep squat - something I've literally physically never been able to do.

11:30am: baring down with all of the surges, could feel his head and waters began to drip. Clocked that Hannah and Christina had started to set up their kit to welcome baby, and had a real ‘this is happening?? Now??’ moment. Started feeling very emotional that baby was about to ‘leave’ me after the two of us had been together for 10 months and through so much. I was excited to meet them and for my husband to finally hold them, but also mourned the loss of ‘us’ (side note: considering how much he’s latched on currently, it’s still pretty much ‘us’...)

12:30pm: surges coming 3-4 every 10 minutes and his head felt very close to crowning. At this point I was kneeling in front of the bed holding onto the fitted sheet. Hannah had put a cold cloth across my back which felt so soothing in the hot room.

Christina suggested putting one leg up into a deep squat/lunge to help make more room, which helped, although the intensity of the surges made me fully stand back up towards the end.

12:49 : his head was born. I remember really enjoying this pushing stage for some reason, and how dealing with the ring of fire actually felt really…familiar and manageable. Breathing through it and panting felt purposeful. Like there was an end goal in sight I was working towards (which…obviously I was!)

12:50 : Sam was born and passed through my legs for me to hold! I was pretty out of it (still definitely not in the room!) and couldn't hold him, so my husband held him while Christina and Hannah helped me sit on the edge of the bed, and we had skin-to-skin.

The photo of the three of us is this moment. I can't clearly describe how I feel in this photo. Still half in labourland, holding my living son after so much loss and trauma, and my husband with his arms around us. Just…how could anyone ever fully describe this?

Peace, power and relief.

All throughout pregnancy, we thought they would be a girl (except when I thought about the future with them, my brain always thought of them as a boy, funnily enough).

But as we looked at him for the first time, it wasn’t a shock or a disappointment - it felt right, like there was a Sammy-shaped hole in our life that had just been filled in that moment.

Hilariously, both my husband and I had the same first thought when we saw Sam - ‘does he have six fingers???’. No - he just has his dad’s very wide hands! He’ll make a great builder and/or pianist

His cord was quite short, so we cut it as soon as it was white and floppy (my husband kept trying to move away to adjust his positioning with Sam, which prompted me yelling to stop because I could feel the tug ), and my husband had skin-to-skin on the sofa while I focused on delivering the placenta, which came out easily 25 minutes after the birth. I had minimal blood loss, estimated around 250ml, and only two small grazes.

It took me a while to come out of labourland, everything felt very hazy and dream-like. Drank half a cup of sweet tea made by Hannah (best cup of tea ever!!!) whilst laying on the bed with Sam, and slowly started to feel more present (although it wasn't until day 5 I felt completely back in my body). Sam had a few suckles on the breast, as well as some defrosted colostrum. He was definitely exhausted too!

I got into the shower to clean up, as Sam had managed to cover me in meconium on his entrance to the world, while Christina held Sam and wrote up the rest of my birth notes. We then settled into bed as a trio, ate the burritos I had made for postpartum and had a good few golden hours!

We did end up going to hospital about 6 hours later as Sam had some raised markers, but everything ended up being fine and we were back home quickly! It was a bit of a surreal experience going into the hospital. Before Sam's birth, even the thought of entering the hospital felt traumatic - but I just don't have any traumatic feelings attached to it now! The power of giving birth, in power and peace.

This experience has completely transformed me, in the best way possible. I do describe it as the perfect birth, but not because everything went ‘right’/to plan A of our birth plan. It was perfect because I felt loved, supported, safe and respected. That would have carried me through anything.

I have had to come to terms with the fact I needed to be so independent during the birth. We thought I’d want all the massage, comfort, essential oils, birth affirmation mp3s, etc so when I didn’t…it was a bit of a shock! It’s the complete opposite of what I’m normally like.

I did mourn the fact I don’t have many memories of me and my husband during labour because of being like this. He also found not being able to support me in the ways we’d discussed quite difficult to bear. But we’re ok now. And all of this, *is* ok and just how everything needed to happen

We had a lot of support along this journey, and I thought I’d share the people and some of the things here in case other people can benefit from them too. The people and opinions you surround yourself with in pregnancy matters, and this would have been a vastly different experience without them!

Aleks, Christy & Samuel ❤️